“A Boy Named Sue” is a song made popular by Johnny Cash. But it was written by Shel Silverstein, who also wrote the Giving Tree.
“A Boy Named Sue” operates at the other end of the parenting spectrum from Shel Silverstein’s book “The Giving Tree, which I wrote about here.”
In “The Giving Tree,” the tree gave her whole self to the boy. In “A Boy Named Sue,” the father gives his his boy next to nothing before disappearing from his life when the boy is young.
Actually the father did leave the boy a few things- an old guitar, a bottle of booze, and most lastingly—his name. As the songs recounts, the name is not the kind of gift any kid wants to receive, since giving a boy a girl’s name only served to make his life harder. The boy is teased a lot, and constantly gets into fights as a way of dealing with his humiliation.
When the boy is grown up and finds his dad years later in a bar, a fight ensues because the boy is still angry at his dad after all these years. Here is the father after the fight:
And he said, "Son, this world is rough
And if a man's gonna make it, he's gotta be tough
I knew I wouldn't be there to help you along
So I give you that name, and I said goodbye
And I knew you'd have to get tough or die
It's that name that helped to make you strong"
He said, "Now you just fought one heck of a fight
And I know you hate me, and you got the right to kill me now
And I wouldn't blame you if you do
But you ought to thank me, before I die
For the gravel in ya gut and the spit in ya eye
'Cause I'm the son of a bitch that named you Sue"Well, I got all choked up and I threw down my gun
I called him my pa, and he called me his son
Come away with a different point of view
It’s a clever twist. What appears to be an act of thoughtless cruelty is reconceived as a gift that helped the boy grow up to be strong. The father may have given his son nothing in the way of material goods or even a presence in his life, but according to the logic of the song, he did give his son a path to survival in a tough world.
The song could have ended there. But as with “The Giving Tree,” Silverstein doesn’t write simple, straightforward tales, and this one too is nuanced. Here is the grown boy in the song’s final refrain:
Well, if I ever have a boy, I'll name him
Frank or George or Bill or Tom, anything but Sue
I don't want him go around, man call him Sue all his life
That's a horrible thing to do to a boy trying to get a hold in the world
Named a boy a Sue
This a final twist on the song’s previous twist.
At least according to the narrator of the song, the lessons in grit provided by the name “Sue” were not worth the cost of a more difficult life experience. He may have the grit that can win a bar fight, but he also has a life of unneeded pain from being teased. And by his own math, the trade-off is not worth it.
The question of how to foster the appropriate level of grit and resilience in our children is something I think about a lot.
We all want the best for our children. And it can be tempting to try to map out a life for them that removes conflict, disappointment, and failure. But if we are successful in doing so, we risk raising children lacking survival skills when they go out in the world.
I was reminded of all of this when I recently read a short interview of the philosopher Daniel Dennett in the NY Times. Here is Dennett talking about his children:
I’ll tell you a little story: Joe Weizenbaum was very avuncular with me when we met in 1973. I was teaching at Harvard, and he was writing “Computer Power and Human Reason.” He was sort of my Dutch uncle for a while, giving me advice.
And one day I said to him: “You know, Joe, I have a strange worry. Our children are growing up in this house full of books and music and love. They’re having an ideal childhood in many ways, at least by my lights, and I’m afraid that when they get to be adults they’ll be soft as grapes. I don’t want to put troubles in their way, yet it worries me that I’m not giving them any troubles.”
He said: “Don’t worry, Dan. They’ll make their own troubles.” And they did, both of them. I don’t talk about those. They’ve overcome the obstacles they created for themselves, and I don’t go into that either (in my book). But, boy, I spent as much time on that as I spent on my career as a philosopher.
This is such a rich quote- particularly that last paragraph. But the main thing I’ll highlight here is that even though Dennett has chosen to remove obstacles from his children’s life, he is very aware of the downsides to this approach. When life gets tough, he worries- will his soft grape children be able to handle it?
Where the father in “A Boy Named Sue” introduced his boy to a very specific kind of trouble by naming him Sue, Dennett’s friend Weizenbaum would say that it isn’t necessary. Weizenbaum’s advice to Dennett here is not to intervene, because life will introduce troubles on its own to the lives of our children. In fact, kids will make their own troubles as they move into the world, and overcome them as a part of life natural process.
And according to Dennett, that’s exactly what happened—his children have overcome the obstacles they created for themselves.
Yet similar to “A Boy Named Sue.” there is a twist here too. Dennett says: ”But, boy, I spent as much time on that as I spent on my career as a philosopher.” And it makes one wonder—were his children truly able to overcome their obstacles on their own? Or were their parents forced to continue to provide significant assistance to their soft grape children made their way into the world as young adults?
If it ultimately isn’t clear which approach is preferable—the tough love of “A Boy Named Sue” or the loving protection of the Soft Grapes approach—that’s fine, because there is no need for clear answers. The tension between the two will always be there.
With respect to preparing children for the rigors of this world, I suppose I personally come down somewhere in the middle of these two approaches.
If “A Boy Named Sue” introduces struggle too early into a child’s life, then “Soft Grapes” seems to delay contact with struggle much longer than necessary. In fact, by removing the difficult parts of life from a child’s experience, the Soft Grapes approach potentially renders children less confident going out into the world because they are not used to coping with hard circumstances.
I think the Soft Grapes approach is perhaps an overly optimistic take on how children develop, because it is also possible that children unaccustomed to experiencing setbacks will not handle them well, and in fact shrink back from dealing with them. They will approach world outside the home with more fear and uncertainty.
Adherents of the Soft Grapes philosophy could very well point to a “A Boy Named Sue” and say that there is a cost having children experience too much struggle before they are ready. That is true too.
Perhaps the most challenging issue here might be not “if” we expose our children to troubles, but “when” we allow them to be exposed to life difficulties, and the degree of trouble we allow them to resolve on their own rather having a parent swoop in and remove it.
Let’s take the example of bullies. Most parents would intervene if their 2nd grader is being bullied. And most parents would refrain from intervening if their grown child in their mid-20’s is experiencing a workplace bully. But middle and high school? This seems to a be a time in a child’s life where some finesse is required. Ideally a parent might work through resolving the issue of a bully with their child, so the child is not entirely on their own yet still develops a sense of empowerment that they can deal with the bully themselves.
Or to give another ordinary example—being given an unfair grade on an school assignment. No one would expect a 2nd grade student to correct a teacher on something. But come middle school, and perhaps even earlier, it is probably better for a child to begin initiating difficult conversations with a teacher.
Overall, I think the exposure of struggle to children is a gradual process, and that it involves parents being both supportive as kids grow up in a sometimes harsh world, yet clear that these kids will need to ultimately own the troubles that come their way.
Struggle is a part of life, and it doesn’t need to be feared. In fact, overcoming our troubles is often the most meaningful part of life.
Even if parents don’t need to introduce unnecessary struggles like naming a boy Sue, we probably shouldn’t deprive our children of developing the confidence—from an early age—that they will be able to handle anything that life puts in their way.